Experts have claimed to have discovered a man from Co Wicklow who has the amazing ability to "look slightly like (almost) everybody".
Alan Ruth first shot to fame in 1994 by winning the European leg of the Super Mario Kart World Championships and achieving brief notoriety as a child model under the stage name Skandar Keynes. Renowned for his skilful driving (and signature bermuda shorts) Alan had been a favourite to place in the World Finals until an unfortunately timed growth spurt left him with strangely large hands rendering him unable to play and devastating his modelling career. Alan has since grown into his hands, but never fully regained his game playing ability.
Alan 1994 / 1995
Alan led a relatively normal life following his growth spurt, in his twenties however people began to notice an uncanny similarity between himself and Republic of Ireland footballer Gary Breen.
Alan and Gary Breen.
Having since honed his personal style, the self described "intellectual business executive with continental flair and fabulous hair" has displayed a chameleon like ability to look like almost any celebrity or former world leader.
Alan Today
Anthony Kiedis
Ruud Van Nistelrooy
Jermaine Clement
RTE News guy...
Sasha Baron Cohen
Joseph Stalin
With the ability masquerade as an endless variety of public figures and blend in almost anywhere, it has been suggested that Alan would best suited to a career in espionage... perhaps as an Assasin or Psychic Spy.
Disapointingly Alan has chosen to work for a large pharmacutical company. He also can be seen playing the role of Tony Hayers in I'm Alan Partridge
In what was billed to be the most attractive event in women's football this year, Everton Ladies faced off with defending champions Arsenal at The City Ground. Unfortunately after 120 minutes of football, the 17,000 crowd were to be left disappointed at the serious lack of quality on display all afternoon.
Everton were by far the worst offenders in this regard with barely a single member of their starting eleven registering beyond a six out of ten. Arsenal fared a little better on the day, but ultimately it was the lack of effort from both sides with neither displaying any kind of evidence of real preparation... no makeup and not a decent hair-do between the lot of them. Natasha Dowie looked as well as could be expected however, considering that she is the niece of Iain Dowie, one of the ugliest men in sport.
As the game wore on, both squads looked to the bench but it remained unclear as to where the talent was going to come from. One saving grace on the day though may have been Arsenal goalkeeper and Irish international Emma Byrne, who despite being 30 mightn't have looked out of place in a more attractive squad.
Everton won the match 3-2 with a last minute extra-time goal from Dowie.
Emma Byrne - "...mightn't have looked out of place in a more attractive squad"
Timothy Casey was born in a wheelchair... and unfortunately this disability was only compounded by the tragic death of his mother, who was unable to survive her injuries. Having no father, and evidently no luck at all whatsoever, Tim was raised by his alcoholic Portuguese half uncle Pedro, a keeper of bees, in the south Dublin suburb of Dalkey until his arrest and incarceration in 1987. Following three highly publicized but failed appeals, Pedro was finally executed in 1993.
Tim inherited his half uncles business, but with no formal education and a severe allergic reaction to bees, his life ambitions were modest. As a child he dreamt of owning his own Ice Cream Van, a dream that was finally realized on his 21st birthday. He began to make a life for himself by selling fruit flavoured iced lolly treats to swimmers at Dublin's famous Forty Foot on hot sunny days.
For the first time in his bee-stung, wheelchair bound existence... Life was good. Tim worked happily for a number of years in his van... but all the while harboring a secret ambition.
Over countless long hot days slaving over the Mr Whippy Machine, Tim had begun to fantasize about one day joining the swimmers by plunging into the deep cold water of the Irish sea. This dream however remained just that... A dream. The Forty Foot - a series of high rocky outcrops used as a high diving area and surrounded by deep water - has never in its history been wheelchair accessible... that is, until now.
Following an arduous, fifteen year campaign fronted by Mr Casey, Dun Laoghaire / Rathdown County Council finally succumbed to pressure by opening a ramp that would allow wheelchair access to the area as well all of it's famous high diving spots. Fittingly... Timothy Casey, was allowed to be the first perambolically challanged person to dive from The Seagulls Nest - the highest high diving spot... towering an impressive fifteen meters above the water.
Following an emotionally draining opening ceremony Timothy ascended the ramp with thousands of onlookers, looking on. Relishing every moment of his triumph, he punched the air. As a symbolic gesture, Tim had decided to dive wearing his wheelchair - a decision that nobody could have realized at the time would have had such a tragic consequences.
Tim's awkward and dangerous plummet into the freezing waters below was initially greeted with cheers... but after failing to resurface for almost ten minutes, some experts began to speculate that something was amiss... and a short time later, Tim's lifeless corpse was pulled from the murky waters.
Tim will be sorely missed but, as they say, every cloud... and after extensive treatment for Rust... Tim's now empty wheelchair is to be taken over by a young boy who was knocked off his bike by joy riders in an ice cream van shortly after leaving the opening.
He is not expected to fully recover from his injuries, and therefore should get many happy years of usage out of it.
There was once a stupid annoying penguin named Bonnie who was sixteen and in school. She was popular with the other penguins but they were kind of douche-bags and not deep and mature for her age like her so she would try to look like she was isolating herself herself and hide behind her hair and bite her lip and stuff.
One day in science class when this stupid annoying boy penguin name called Edmund sat next to her, bonnie bit her lip becose Edmund would stare at her in a way that would make her flipper quiver, which she thought was super cool.
Edmund started to sniff bonnie, which was strange and made her wonder if she was on her Yammahoolies, but then she remembered that she wasn’t. Anyways Edmund slid off before class was over and bonnie scrunched her face up and bit her lip again. She felt like such a douche-bag, and not cool, but she thought that maybe Edmund had not yet realised how super deep she was and so she bit her lip again.
In a forest during later time which is very difficult because forests are veeerry hard to find in Antarctica… almost impossible. Bonnie was biting her lip and hiding behind her hair be cause she was talking to Edmund in the forest in Antarctica because they had to get away from the other kid penguins who were all douche-bags and not deep like them.
Bonnie had her arms folded and was biting her lip and asking Edmund how come he was so fast and so strong and tings and didn’t look like the other penguins and was always staring at the other penguins like he wanted to eat them especially her... And Edmund said “say it” she was afraid but also excited also as well so she whispered “Leopard Seal…” and then Edmund asked her what leopard seals had for their supper normallys and she whispered “penguins” and he said yes but that he wouldn’t eat her and she got really turned on because she was a PSYCHO.
Bonnie jumped on Edmunds back and he started climbing trees which was AWESOME because they were in nature which is super cool and not like the other kid penguins who were all hanging out at the mall like douche-bags. The sun came out and Bonnie the penguin could see Edmunds shiny leopard seal skin, which was sooo beautiful it made her flipper quiver and so she bit her lip again.
Then Bonnie woke up in her bed and she realised that she was not Bonnie and not a sixteen year old kid penguin and not in school but instead was actually an adult grown up penguin who was twenty six and named Jennifer and working as a receptionist.
She had fallen asleep reading “Frosty Moon” which was the made up book about Bonnie and the leopard seal in the Antarctic forest badly written by an awful writer but which she thought was BRILLIANT because it made her flipper quiver but was actually stupid, annoying and more rubbish than used toilet paper.
Jennifer bit her lip and rang her friend Chloe on her penguin phone. They talked about how they are both liked Edmund the Leopard Seal and how they were both actually really deep thinkers and not like other people who all are mostly douche-bags.
Jennifer said goodbye to her friend then bit her lip and went to sleep but then in the night time a leopard seal broke up through the ice and did NOT have his way with her (which is what she initially thought was happening) but instead he ate her up for his supper.
Let me tell you a stories... notso long ago phil recieved an emails from lovely young girls name Philomina James...
My Dearest oneHow are you today?.mine was very cool over here in Dakar Senegal. My name is Philomina James i am a young girl from IvoryCoast in west Africa and presently i am residing as a refugee here in dakar as a result of the civil war going on in my country.My Dear iam 22 year old My late father Dr James Nelson was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked my house one early morning killing my mother and my father.it was only me that is alive now and i managed to make my way to near by country Senegal where i am leaving now.
I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you aredoing presently my hobbies are reading watching music videos going to beach with friends visiting a place like zoo and doing every otherthing that gives joy and happiness.I will tell more about myself in my next mail.Attached here is my picture.Hoping to hear from you soonest.Philomina,
Phil, The Holy Goat has already responded:
Deer Philomina
I am nots so well now that I hearing of yours sad stories.
Today was bright with occasional showers, but luckily I have a warm coat. ha ha.. good times ;)
This is truly shoking to be hearing about what has happened to mothers and father early in the morning... did you even have time for breakfast probably not? may Phil bless them in there restings. :(
I am glad to know that you have made it to Senegal ands that you are happy and have friends to Beach and the Zoo and that you are 22.
Ilike Pizza Bowling and Wrestling with my friends. I am the head of a small Organisation and must work very hard, but when I have time I espacially like to relax at the Zoo, especially the petting Zoo, the animals there are less likely to eat me up for their dinner! :) ha ha! I know its crazy...
as you can sea I have a great sens of humurs.
Your Father was an Advicer? I to like giving Advice on things.
I am sure that you are especially beautiful.
I cannot wait to hearing from you agains..
Love Phil xx
From Philomina this morning... Glorious news, Phil is going to help her and she is going to come live with him!!!
My dearest one,
How are you doing this lovely morning?
I believe you are doing well.But it would have been better with me on your side.My Dear i can understand what you mean.i thank you so much for your lovely mail God will bless you as you help me out from this refugee camp.i will like you to send your phone No to me.
My Dear thing are very bad for me here in the refugee camp where i am living today. I was first year student in the university studing law before the ungly incident that killed my parents that put me in this horrible place i found myself toady. This place is like a prison as we are only allowed to go out on monday and friday of the week as given by the united nations camp rules and regulation here in Senegal. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.
I don't have any relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.
I thank God for the pastor of christ the king church located in the camp where i send and recieve emails and his name is Pastor Patrick Dela and he just like a father to me as i became close to him during one of his visitation to the clinc when i was sick.
You can call me in his office with this number 0022x77335456x so that i can speak with you,when you call please tell him that you want to speak with me so that he can send for me from the females hostel to speak with you.
My Dear I chosen you immidiately i saw your profile at the site without delay,because they said that out of hundred,there must be a good samaritan and i hope that it was by God's grace that i chosen you and during my praying,God reveal to me that you are a very kind person,that is capable to help me. And i have 100% trust and confidence in you and i am rest assured that you will surely help me out from this terrible place called refugee camp.
My dear i will like you to help me come over to meet with you in your country for a better life as my health is going down daily here due to the poor condiction of the camp where i am living.
I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the traggic incident that lead to my being in this situation now.
My dear please there is one other thing i will like you to do for me as i need some body who will assist me due to my refugee status here in Senegal.
Before the death of my father in 2004,he deposted a sum of 2.7 millon dollars in leading bank in Europe which my name appears as the next of kin.
Already i have informed the bank about my plans to claim this money but the bank told me to look for a foreign partner who will assist me in the claim due to my refugee status here in Senegal.As a refugee i dont have a direct claim over the money but can only have it through an appointed representative.
So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account andfrom it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the refugee here the only person that knows about it is the Revrend because he is like a father to me. So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and people of vision, truth and hardworking.
My dear i will like to know your willingness to assist me in this claim so that i can give you the full contact of the bank in Europe for you to contact them for verification and confirmation.
I will however apprecaited if you can call me with this telephone number
0022x-77335456x in the church office located in the refugee camp so that i can tell you more about what i am going through.
When you call,please tell Rev Patrick Dela that you want to speak with me so that he will send for me from the females hostel to talk with you.
God bless you as you help me out from here,
Your love Philomina
Phil has already hopped into action, although he was not happy about all her references to God... he presumes she means Goat...
My Dearest doeling Philomina
I am doing lovely this well morning, It is truly a fine day for grazing and climbing trees.
This is truly a trajedy beyond the greatest trajedies i have ever been heard of... even greater than "Leon" which is a Eoropean legend about a young girl who's parents are killed by bad men. She meets a kind man (like me!) and the establish an inapropriate but nonetheless moving relationship. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see you like a very young Natalie Portman.
It is terrible that the U.N. they only let you out on Mondays and Fridays, the Zoo's and beaches must be overrun with refugees... It sounds so crasy sometimes I wake up at night just to laugh out loud, but i almost always end up crying myself back to sleep for I am a very lonesome.
Do not worry about money, I am an exceedingly wealthy and have many millions. We can make arrangements with your bank once you are here by my sides. For now I will send you a cheque for your flight and some new clothes (esp ne clothes as I am not so fond of dresses... do you have anything in fur?)
Unfortunately I cannot use the telephone due to my hearing and hoof problems but if you give me your address I can send cheques right away... how much do you want?
You best friend, and lover?
Phil xxx
PhilominaWrites:
Hello My Darling. Good evening to you.How are you today.i believe you are doing well over there.it's mine pleasure to know how you are doing over there.i believe all is well with you. iam happy reading your mail this evening as i can understand what you mean about my coming to your country.My Dear i will be... very happy if you can help me come out from this refugee camp.i will be very very happy for you.i thank you so much for your lovely email.i can understand that you are a nice man and you have the heart to help people.God will bless you for that.Please send your phone number to me or you can call me so that i can tell you more about what iam passing through here.
My Dear after reading your mail this evening i discus with our Rev on how you can send some thing to me.he said that i should inform you to send the money via western union with his name so that he will give it to me.because they don't allow us to go outside the gate.My Dear you are to send the money with the name of our Rev Patrick Dela address Dakar Senegal.My Darling any amount you send to me i will appreciate it so much. Darling i will like to come over there so that we can go together to the bank to transfer my money to your account.i think this is the best way.i will like you to help me come over there. Darling i want you to understand that Tomorrow's hopes and dreams will never die as long as you believe in yourself and follow your heart. The kindnesses in your heart will guide you to accomplish many things in life and overcome all challenges and all obstacles. Never give up, always have faith in yourself, and you will gain the greatest gift of all, the gift of hope and love you rightly deserve. Whatever you may do in the future, never let anyone stand in the way of you pursuing your dreams. Know that you will always have family and friends to rely on whenever you need them. No matter what you may decide to do in life, I will be right there to help, support, and love you. I wish you only the best as you continue chasing your dreams.Please try your best to help me out from this refugee camp.God will bless you as you help me.i will be waiting for your mail.have a lovely weekend. your in love
Philomina.
From Phil, the goat:
My Dearest Philomina, good evening. I am well today. It's mine pleasure also as well.
My dearest sometimes I feel as though we are going in circles, since we have knowing each other we have had our good times and our bads. I feel as if we are on some kind of rollercoasters, I love the ups and downs, but sometimes when you have had to much candyfloss, ahaha! well you get the ideas... pink sugar in your beard does not go down well at the country club somtimes, almost never!.
I remembers when we first met and you told me about that you liked going to the zoos! and then a short time later when I heard of your parents horrific death... well I can't remember what I felt exactly, sadness...maybe a little hunger also... but mostly sadneses... then I felt a little warm so I went for a walk in the cool evening air, before long I was too cold and... well you get the idea, either way I got ended up in subway and was no longer hungry.
I do not have use of a telephone because of my condition, I cannot help this it is just how I was born... I do not need acess to your 2.7 million dollars as I am exceedingly wealthy so don't worry about that. I have never used western union and would not like to send the money that way especially not to Rev Patrick Dela as I do not like him as I have an intense distrust of Christians and the Irish.
I will send you a cheque. how much would you like? I will make the cheque out to you, or gold if you would prefer? and will send to your address... Philomina James, care of the U.N., Refugee Camp, Senegal. Is this corrects?
PS I've just realized that I never sent you my picture... so here you go... can you tell which one is me?? hahahahahah!!.. of course I am not the one with the hat! that is Frederique, I met him in subway. I do not like him any longer.
he is a bad.
Hail Phil xxxx
More from Philomina:
My Dear i will like you to help me with any amount of money so that i can buy some food to eat.iam hungry you don't know what iam passing through here.Please i will like you to try your best for me.
Darling i think the best way is for you to send the money through western union with my name since you do...n't like our Rev.but i don't know why you did not our Rev he is a good man of God.My Dear for your information i can not allow to go outside whenyou send the cheque.so that best way is for you to send the money through western union with my name Philomina James address Dakar Senegal.please try your best to send the money to western union.i will be very happy for you.
My Dear i thank you so much for your lovely picture you send to me.you look so handsome.i love you with all my heart.my dear i want you to believe me it's we have not seeing each other befor but i believe that we shall meet soon.iam sorry to hear what happened to you why you can't make call.
Darling I am so thankful I met you! You are the most important person in my life. I never thought I would find someone like you to share my life with, and now I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like without you in it. I love the way you make me laugh, how we tell each other everything, how we do everything together. Wherever you are is where I want to be. When we are together I feel like it's just you and me, there's no one else on earth. It feel like we're the only ones here. I fall madly in love with you more and more each day. If there’s one thing in this world I know, it's that I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!i will be waiting for your mail.
your in love Philomina.
Phil replied with some shocking revelations:
Darling Philomina, I have literally nevery been as happies as whens I read of your love! I hope that you are not too hungary insides the refugee camps, although it would be good to keep you thin as very many women in my land are too big! hahaha! it is because they are lazy, and not in an refugee camps but instead McDonalds for lunch almost every days...
My dearest I am so relieved that you find my face handsomes, I was so afraid that you would not have liked my face and hoofie handfeet because you are so beautiful and thin and 22 and like Hannah Montana with a suntan. I feel I can tell you this now since we tell each other eveything and do everything together like sending emails and everything else.
I do must be honest with you know as well though as I feel we can no longer keep secrets from each other... I don't know how you will react as I have never told anyones before... once when I was vary young I had an accident with another kid, his name was Robert, the kid was my friend and one evening we drank whisky... we drunk, and then without warning he kissed me on the face, i liked it but I was so shocked... I became really angry so i ran at him and hit him with my head. He fell into the road and was hit by a car. he died. everybody thought it was an accident and said that it wasn't my fault but I know the truth that I did it on purpose. I don't know if you can forgive me this... or if you would ever trust me around our kids after knowing this. Please forgive me as I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!!!
I had taken cash out from the bank and was going to post it too youbut now I will arange a different way... How much do you want?, do you need money for clothes too and perhaps some underwears? I am well off so no amount is a problem just tell me how much you need?
PS I have attached a picture of Robert, he was my friend who has died... these were happier times... please can you send me another picture of you?
inlove inlove !! Phil xxxxx
Another Email from Philomina:
iam happy reading your mail this evening as i can understand what you mean about what happened to your friend.My Dear you know that you are the one that kill your friend.i am very sorry for your friend.i believe God will forgive you.but you have to pray to God to forgive you.don't worry i will ...pray for you i believe God will forgive you.
Darling i thank you so much for all the effort you are making to see me out from this refugee camp.My God will bless you.Please try your best to send the money tomorrow so that i can go and buy some food.iam hungry but i believe when you send the money tomorrow i will be able to eat.My Darling if you can be able to send like 100 dollars to me i will be very happy is just for me to buy some food.Remember to send the money through western union with my name after you send the money you send the information to my box.God will bless you.
Darling I am just writing to show the world how much I love you. From the moment that we met, I have always loved you... I have never stopped loving you. You are one of the most remarkable person I've ever known. You're kind, caring, compassionate, loving and incredibly sexy.
When I am with you, I feel alive. You bring to me a happiness no one else has before. You bring to me a love I have never known before. I could not imagine what my life would be like without you. I know that I don't want to even imagine. You have touched my heart in ways no one could ever comprehend. I love being with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
You are all that I want in life. You make me dream and believe in life. You bring me up when I'm down. You tell me I can reach my goals if I keep trying. You love me for me, You hear me when I'm crying, even over the little things. All you do makes me love you more. I could never find anybody as special as you are. I love you,Please try your best to send the money so that i can buy some food to eat.God bless you.
your in love Philomina.
AND LORD PHIL SAID:
Philomina, Thanks you for forgives me my murderous past. so few would be understanding of this.
I have made the preparations for your arrival, there has been a space cleared in shed with a matress and everythings. I must ask this before I send money for your flight and new clothes...
When you will arrive you must renounce your God and join our church as ours is the true faith.
This must happen before we are marry or else there will be an outcry from followers of Phil. I am concerned that you may have had relations with the Reverend Patrick Dela I'm am very jealous of him, I do not trust him and I fear he will steal the money I send you.
Also I was wondering if you perhaps have a young friend that would travel to my country with you. My good friend Mr George Hook is hopping to meet a young girl like you. He is healthy, wealthy and wise.
You have only asked for 100 dollars and I do not believe this will be enough money to arrange flight to my country, I will send you 2000 dollars for air ticket, new clothes and perhaps a haircut as I think you may need it after the fugees camp, but first I must have your promise that we will be marry and you will renounce Jesus and join our church... okays?
I have attached a picture of mister george for your friend. he is human. please send another picture of you as i start to worry about your weight.
Phil xxxxxx
PHIL IS TO BE MARRIED!!!!!
FROM PHILOMINA:
Aim happy reading your mail this afternoon as I can understand what you mean about my coming to your country. Am happy to hear that you have made arrangement to welcome me when I arrive can’t wait to see that lovely day when I will be with you. I love you so much.
My Darling you sa...id before you can send the money and my cloth that you want me to join you in your church. I want to ask you which church are you going?. And I want you to remember that God is one. So I don’t understand what you mean. I will like you to explain to me before I can answer you.
Darling why do you think that I will have relation with a man of God. It’s not possible. He only helps the refugees. I only go to his office to send an email that is all. Believe me. Am telling you the truth about me. And remember that our Rev have married with 5 children. So I don’t have any thing to do with him. My Dear you don’t have to be afraid. I have told you to send the money with my name. Since you don’t trust our Rev father.
My Darling if your friend will like a young girl like me. I will get one for him. But you have to send the money for us to come. I can see your friend picture is good. I will tell one of my friends about him. And I will send one of my friend picture to you.
Darling aim happy to hear that you will send 2000 dollars for my air ticket. And other things. That is good. My Darling I promise to marry you. believe me. Am honest with you. Since I saw your picture I have fall in love with you. I love you and I want get married with you. Darling I want you to understand that woman don’t have any church. If you marry me and you want me to join your church I will do that. Please try your best to send the money so that I can start preparing to come over there. I miss you so much over here. I want to come and make love with you. I believe you will like to make love with you. I can’t wait to see that lovely day when I will be with you. I will be waiting for your mail. Have a lovely day at work.
Your in love Philomina.
PHIL IS OVERJOYED!
My Darlings
I am so hoppy that you agree to marry! I have been bounding through the fields all day with a spring in my steps... Mister George called over, we had a picnic, and I tell him of your friend and he is very excite to see her. we will send money for each of you, but before mister george wants to see if she is young and if he loves her. please ask your friend email to george. his address
mistergeorgehook@gmail.com
I was concerned that your Rev is having relations with you because you spend so much time in his office sending email, surely not all the fugees gets to go into his office for email every day. there would be so many lots of them peoples. maybe he has interest in you and wants to keep you in camp for his looking at and pleasures.
I wish to email with Reverend, maybe then I can trust him... I cannot on phone due to my condition so cans you send me his email address? maybe then I can trust him to give you money i send, otherwise how will you get to the Western Union bank? maybe I shall come to Dakar and bring you aways myself??, I can deal with the UN. they are weak.
Our Church is church of Phil, and God is not the one but don't worry you will be indoctronated as soon as you arrives...
I have made peom for yous:
Philomina Love, you are gentle as a dove,
So like Hannah Montanna, but in a refugees camp,
I wish you were here with me, so then we can be marry,
you forgives my killings, so I know that you are willings,
perhaps to make love, with the one sent from above...
ps I am worry that you have send no picture of you in so long and that maybe you is not you but fatter you, please can you send a picture with sign saying "I love Phil" to help me to believe picture is a recent.
Phil xxxxxx
Philomina has begun the endgame:
My Darling aim ready to marry if you can help me out from this refugee camp. Darling I discus with one of my friend about your friend George and she promise to contact him. I give her the email address. She promises to contact him with her picture.
My Darling I have told you that I don't have... anything to do with our Rev.his a man of God. Darling when are you going to send the money? I believe you will be able to send the money this week. Please try your best to send the money so that I can start coming to your country. My Darling here is the information of our Rev his name is Rev Patrick Della. Email address xxx his phone number xxx Please I will like you to contact him so that you can discus with him about my coming to your country.
Darling you can send the money with my name and our Rev will help me go to the western union to receive the money. Since they don't allow us to go outside the camp. I believe our Rev will help me receive the money.
My Love I thank you so much for the poem you writ to me. I love it. The love you so desperately seek is here in my arms. You've often asked why I'm not interested in any of the men who hit on me. I've always told you they weren't the one for me. Now I'm telling you that you are the one for me. You’re the one I dream about. No one can make me laugh like you, even when I'm knee deep in tears. The reason I've been alone for five longs years is this: I've been waiting for you to see the love in my eyes that's only for you. I'll wait forever if that’s how long it takes. I need you. I miss you when you’re gone, and I hurt when you’re sad. I love you, for everything you are.
Please if you know that you will not help me don't send any email to me again. I don't want any body to disappoint me. Try your best to send the money this week so that I can get my passport to join over there. I will be waiting for your mail. Your in love
Philomena.
PHIL THE GOAT:
My Darling, Darling
I love you so much and I am thankings you for your being patients, I wil be sending the moneys as soon as I know I can trust Mr Reverend. I will sending him email today. I hope to give you money as soon as and have you by my side next week, I hope so as this is our festival of cheese! it is a great occasion and you can meet all of my followers and drink lashings and lashings of ginger beer.
My deer, please trust me that I will help you. I am wealthy only because I am careful with monies and only send mony to people i know well. I know you now better than I know myself and I know that we are destiny. I know that we will be together until braybowl.
where we will dance.
My love being with you is like sunshine on a rainy day, makes my soul, makes my soul drip drip away. make it feel so unreal like the wind in the desert like the moon on the sea take my hoof in your hand and I will take you to my fertile lands. like beauty and the beast, young girl and old goat, like leon and a very young natalie portman also aswell.
I have attached this song, it is how you make me feel and the african drumbeats remind me of you in your little camp.
My dear Mister Goerge awaits an email from your friend. he is not a patient man.
Later babes
Phil. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Phil has laid down the Law with the reverend Pat:
Dear Pat,
I am friend and gentle lover of your refugee girl named Philomina James. I love her and I wish to help her by send a sum of money to help her out of fugees camp and plane ticket to my country. She tells to me that you are a good man and that I can trust you as you are a man of god. I am of a different faith and I do not trust christian types. priests in my country are some very bad men who have made some children their slaves. I understand you have five children and this concerns me greatly.
Philomina has tell me of that you helps her. You let her send email from office everydays. I also must question why you helps to her and not all the fugees, there must be many many of them and I fear you are only helping the young girls for lookings at? please explains.
I will plan to send a sum of 2000 dollars to help philomina. We are to be married in Windgates during the festival of cheese. I wish greatly for this to happen if I can trust you.
If I cannot trust you i will travel to dakar myself to rescue Philomina from the UN and perhaps charge at you.
please email to me to address my concerns. I hope that we can be friends, and perhaps help more girls in the future. already my friend mister george hook is happy to help a friend of philomina for a price of 2000 dollars.
my religion is powerful, and my followers follow the true one.
Phil x
MISTER GEORGE HAS RECIEVED AN EMAIL FROM A YOUNG LADY:
Hello Dear Good afternoon to you. My name is Favour Mamba aim a girl from Serio Loan. Am livening under united nation refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal.
Am 24 year old girl.
My Friend Philomina tell me about you and she gives me your email address to contact you. She tells me that her friend told her to look a young girl for his friend. That is why I contact you.
Please I will like to know more about you. She saw me your picture but I don't believe her. I will like you to send another of your picture to me.
My Dear I will be very happy if you can help me out from this refugee camp. We are really in pain in this camp. You can imagine what we are passing through in this refugee camp. It’s only God that is helping us. But I believe you can make me smile again. I have attached my picture to you. I believe you will like me. Have a lovely day at work. Waiting to hear from you. Your in love Favour.
MISTER GEORGE WRITES:
My dear girl,
Not since Dermot MacMurrough invited Strongbow across the water in 1171 or whatever it was have I seen a girl as fine as yourself, but I fear that what you know about my country would be about the same as what my country knows about you which is nothing...I would like to get to know you better, how did it come to be that you ended up in a refugee camp under the guard of the UN? What are your hobbies, I like sport and talking, particularly rugby but more so I particularly love to talk about rugby.
I know we have been introduced through my friend Phil Goatlord, but the problem with Phil Goatlord is that he thinks he's Phil Goatlord if you know what I mean... which probably means that you nothing about me... he is a proud man, but if I hear another thing about pride... The Apache Nation had pride and look where they are, the bushmen of the Kalahari had pride and look where they are.... if you catch what I mean.
Either way I'm nothing like Phil, I'm all human and have no ideas about being some kind of leader of men. I have attached another picture of myself, It's not pretty but it'll get the job done, if you know what I mean!. I'm no Tommy Bowe but I'm no Leo Cullen either! Ha!
I hope that this email finds you well and I look forward to hearing from you, I hope that you have enough to eat and are not in too much pain. Sometimes you have to put your neck where you wouldn't put you foot but it's a game of two halves and with me one your side you'll go far.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Kind Regards Mister George
Phil has recieved a reply from Reverend Patrick and is ready to do business!
Hello Dear.
May the paces of the Lord be with you?
My Name is Rev Patrick Della. Aim the Pastor of the Christ the king’s church here in Dakar Senegal.
My Dear I was very happy when I saw your email in my box because this young lady have inform me about you and I give her my email address to give to you. I thank you for contacting me.
My Dear after reading your mail this evening I understand what you mean about this lady. Already Miss Philomina has told me that you want to help her out from this refugee camp. My Dear I have to inform you that this girl is a good girl she has been in this camp for long I believe you will be able to help her. Please don't disappoint her. Make sure that you want to help her out from this refugee camp.
My Dear I help some many of them to use my computer to send email when aim not working. It’s not only her that I allow to my office. Ask her they are many that come to my office to receive email. Beside aim a married man of God with 5 children. I just help them because of there condition in this refugee camp. So I don't have anything to do with them. I respect my God more than anything.
My Dear if you are willing to help the girl go on and help her. I promise you that you will not regret helping the girl. She told me that you want to send some money for her passport and air ticket. That is good if you can be able to send the money to her. I promise you she will be in your country. Because I have discus with one of the agent that help refugees to travel out about thepassport.and he promise to do that and other document.
My Dear if your friends are ready to help this girl out from this refugee camp. It will be nice. Because they are really suffering in this camp. I believe God will make it possible for you to help them. Thank you for your understanding.
Rev Patrick Della.
PHIL IS COMPASSIONATE AND HAS DECIDED TO TRUST THE REVEREND...
My Dear Reverend,
Dear now after making talk with you I will like to say that I trust you despite your wild worldview and often misunderstood social norms and behaviours.
My Dear Reverend I believe that you are a good man and a man with whom I can do business.
As you knows me and my friend mister george wish to make a rescue of your good girls Philomina and her friends for bring to our country and make our wives.
Dear I believe that if I forward to you 2000 dollars that you will rescue Philomina from the UN overlords, release her passport and allow in arrange flight to my country. corrects?
My friend mister george will also like to maybe buy the friend of Philomina named Favour. He is also willing to pay amount 2000 dollars... but if we make payment together we believe 3000 dollars total will be enough fair discount as they will be cheapers together, yes?
This can be arrange monday
I thank you agains for being good to our good young girls, and perhaps we can be best friends forever.
Phil x
Phil is gearing up for the big illegal human trafficking exchange! it is a day of great celebration for his followers, being friday and everything looking good for Philomina to be by his side on time for the festival of cheese:
FROM PHILOMINA:
Darling our Rev told me this evening that you contact him was very happy when he told me that. I thank you so much for contacting our Rev I believe he has reply to you. Please try your best for me. Last night I did not sleep I was thinking of you. I want to come and stay with you. Please try your best to send money so that I can join you over there. I want to be in your country for the festival. I believe you will be able to send the money very soon. I have been praying for you I know that God will provide the money for you.
Darling I give my friend your friend email address and I believe she has contact your friend. Because I told her to send an email to your friend. Please try your best to help us out from this refugee camp. We are suffering too much over here. I thank you for the music you send to me.it was very nice.
Darling Everyday I wake up thanking God for you. You have made all my dreams come true, especially now you want to send the money to me. You have given me so much within this time and I don't know if I will be able to give back all that you have given me. You have been my guiding light when I was lost. You have been my comforter through all my trials and sorrow. And you have been my rock. There has been so many times when I wanted to give up, and then you gave me hope and faith.
I promise to always love you and always hold you in my heart. I will always be here for you when you need me and I will love you no matter what life brings us. You are my soul mate, and I vow to love you until the day that eternity is gone. I love you;
please try your best to send the money so that I can join you over there for a better life. I will be waiting for your mail.
Your in love Philomina.
PHIL GOATLORD:
My darling darling love!
I have made peace with the reverend Patrick and now believe that we are bff. I am vary happies to tell to you that I make trust on him and he will not steal your money. I also trust you when you say that you have not make love with him to pay for emails and help.
we will be transfer money by western union on monday morning all going well, don't be tempted by any other men before then! haha! I'm kidding of course, I know that you are faithful...
I am sooo excited! I have been kicking my hind legs it nearly broke the barn door!!!! hahaha! just as well spring times is near!
soon we will have lams will be here and I canot wait to look over the fields with you, perhaps we will have picnics with mister george and favour and we all share our love with each other.
I have been making cheese all week for the festival, I believe it may be some of the finest I have ever produced... you will never be hungry again!
I cannot wait for you to see my country lands near the amusements and sacred braybowl, it is a beautiful and fertile world of wonders and delights on which we will gorge ouselves deep into the night. I cannot express in words the joy that I feel, and so I have given you my favourite party song!
in love in loves 4 ever!!!!! Phil xxxxxxxxxx x
Phil is Happy! soon he will be united with his beloved Philomina, they will dance at the festival of cheese and she will bear him a litter of divine goatlings...
.................................................
Phil has no words... the readings speak for themselves...
FROM PHILOMINA:
Hello My Darling. Good morning to you.How was your weekend.i believe you have a wonderful weekend.it's mine pleasure to know how you are doing over there.i believe all is well with you. aim worried why you have not send an email to me since yesterday.i hope there is no problem over there.i just want to know how you are doing over there.Please try to send an email to me.i miss you so much this weekend i wish iam there with you i would have show you how much i love you.but i believe very soon i will be there with you. Darling i believe you will be able to send the money this morning.Please try your best for me.i need to join you over there for lovely life wit you.God will bless you.have a lovely day at work.as i wait to hear the good news from you. your in love
Philomina.
FROM PHIL:
Philomina....
lets me tell for you an interesting stories...
This mornings on way with mister george to Western Union to make money transfer to buy you and your friend for rescue from UN overlords and make our wives, we meet our greatest enemy... the gerrygoat. I believe that's you know him... his email address is
gerrydarkone@gmail.com
He tell me that he know you and that he not me is goings to gives you monies and that you come to my countryland to live with him and not me! he show me yours emails.. he even has pictures of you also aswell!!!! what's this I cannot believe yous! you are not like Hannah Montana with a nice suntan but more likes some kind of evil crazy Miley Cirus young lady with evil brain and FAKE TAN badly applied also aswel!
ALSO he was getting far better price than I for buying you! for which trick I blame the Christian... I knew that he was evil and that cannot be trusted and now that you and him and favour are all working with the gerrygoat! for this you will spend eternity in Stillorganomni I am sure...
I blames myself for not seeing through yours lies, when you say how much you love to see me everydays I never realized that this is strange because we have never seen each other once atall...
this should have been the first warning sign...
and I am all knowing so this is even stranger... love can blur even my razor sharp insights into the nature of men and beasts (you by the way have fallen into the latter catagory)
How can you do this to Phil, I am the one, for this treachery I have cancelled the festival of cheese and will instead watch all Back to the Futures to reminds me that Evil is out there and always trying to gets Marty. and that 1955 Lorraine however hot is in fact my mother.
I have attached emails from gerry below as proof of your lies... and also a picture of gerry so that you can see this evil. I hope you enjoy makings love with hims isteads of handsome me and my hoofie handfeet...
Goodbye 4 ever.... unless you can somehow explains all of this madness, that would be very entertaining please try...
Phil (please note the lack of x's)
EMAILS INTERCEPTEDPLEASE READ BELOW OF EVIDENCEs:
gerrydarkone@gmail.com to Philomina
My Philomina,
I am Gerry,
I wills help to you by sending you monies, I would like you to come to my country so that I take care of you every day. you are very beautiful and I hope that you love me. I cannot feel love as I feel only pain, but we can make love and create the antigoatling. My life is good here, I spend many of my time scheming and making big plans. I believe that together that we could rule the world. Muhahahaha!.
Im not kiddings.
I would like to help for taking you fathers money into my bank account, this would be nice.
I will send money for help, how will I do this? to the reverend?
I have many enemies in my country so I feel your pain, my greatest enemy Phill fills me with loathing, perhaps with you by my side I can achieve victory over him. will you help me?
Gerry x
Philomina to gerrydarkone@gmail.com
Dear Gerry Aim happy reading your mail this morning as I can understand what you mean. I thank you so much for your wiliness to help me out from this refugee camp. It’s only God bless you. Please keep trying your best for me. I need to join you over there. I want come and make love with you. I hope you will like to make love with me?
My Darling I am happy to hear that you want to send some money for my feeding. I thank you for that please tries your best to send the money aim really hungry over here. Please you are to send the money through western union with the name of our Rev Patrick Dela.address Dakar Senegal. When you send the money try to send the information to my box. God will bless you as you help me out from this refugee camp.
Darling I want you to understand that Tomorrow's hopes and dreams will never die as long as you believe in yourself and follow your heart. The kindnesses in your heart will guide you to accomplish many things in life and overcome all challenges and all obstacles. Never give up, always have faith in yourself, and you will gain the greatest gift of all, the gift of hope and love you rightly deserve.
Whatever you may do in the future, never let anyone stand in the way of you pursuing your dreams. Know that you will always have family and friends to rely on whenever you need them. No matter what you may decide to do in life, I will be right there to help, support, and love you. I wish you only the best as you continue chasing your dreams. When you send the money I will give you the information of the bank for you contact them. God bless you. Have a lovely day at work.
Your in love Philomina.
gerrydarkone@gmail.com to Philomina
I am Gerry,
Yes! yes...mohahahaha! I would like to make loves... we will make the antigoat offspring.
My dastardly schemes etc. are coming together... we will crush Phill. he will never get over it!
muhahahahahahah!
the gerrygoat.
With his evil black magic, thegerrygoat has somehow transformed the once lovely Philomina into a small organised group of african internet scammers....
From Philomina?:
F@$K YOU BA$T£RD I KNOW YOU ARE A JOKER RIGHT FROM THE FIRST DAY.YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE BA$T£RD.DONT YOU EVER REPLY TO THIS EMAIL AGAIN.F@$K ALL YOUR FAMILY.C...RIMINAL GUY.I KNOW YOU VERY WELL.I JUST THEY REPLY TO YOU.BA$T£RD. I KILL YOU.
Hurrah! Phil on the day of his 100th follower has also recieved his first death threat!
A friend of phil has taken time to respond to the scammers...
Friend of Phil:
Joker? Criminal? that's rich when you're the one who is trying to scam innocent people... I have simply been engaging in a conversation that you initiated....
you send bullshit... I send bullshit.... simples x
Things are still getting worse, but more slowly than before... that's the latest bill of health on the global economy according to Professor Bill Greenback from the University of Chicago.
"While still hurtling towards the abyss, the pace at which we're approaching our inevitable doom may have slowed (slightly)".
This has been greeted as cause for celebration and has prompted the use of optomistic catch phrases from experts and economists, with claims of glasses being half full and clouds having silver linings being echoed through the corridors of the worlds financial institutions.
So it would seem that for now at least every path has it's puddle, and the grass may be greener even if you still have to mow it.
When asked about the continuing rise in global unemployment Greenback said that "The hardest work of all is to do nothing".
When asked how he knew this Greenback claimed that "He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool and He who knows not and knows he knows not is simple, He who knows and knows not he knows is asleep and He who knows and knows he knows is wise." this was offered with a smug little smile which was only removed upon his being asked which "He" best described himself.
