Wicklow Man Looks Slighly Like (almost) Everybody.

Experts have claimed to have discovered a man from Co Wicklow who has the amazing ability to "look slightly like (almost) everybody".

Alan Ruth first shot to fame in 1994 by winning the European leg of the Super Mario Kart World Championships and achieving brief notoriety as a child model under the stage name Skandar Keynes. Renowned for his skilful driving (and signature bermuda shorts) Alan had been a favourite to place in the World Finals until an unfortunately timed growth spurt left him with strangely large hands rendering him unable to play and devastating his modelling career. Alan has since grown into his hands, but never fully regained his game playing ability.

Alan 1994 / 1995


Alan led a relatively normal life following his growth spurt, in his twenties however people began to notice an uncanny similarity between himself and Republic of Ireland footballer Gary Breen.

Alan and Gary Breen.


Having since honed his personal style, the self described "intellectual business executive with continental flair and fabulous hair" has displayed a chameleon like ability to look like almost any celebrity or former world leader.

Alan Today


Anthony Kiedis


Ruud Van Nistelrooy


Jermaine Clement


RTE News guy...


Sasha Baron Cohen




Joseph Stalin


With the ability masquerade as an endless variety of public figures and blend in almost anywhere, it has been suggested that Alan would best suited to a career in espionage... perhaps as an Assasin or Psychic Spy.

Disapointingly Alan has chosen to work for a large pharmacutical company. He also can be seen playing the role of Tony Hayers in I'm Alan Partridge

Everton Ladies Secure Unattractive Victory in Women's FA Cup Final.

In what was billed to be the most attractive event in women's football this year, Everton Ladies faced off with defending champions Arsenal at The City Ground. Unfortunately after 120 minutes of football, the 17,000 crowd were to be left disappointed at the serious lack of quality on display all afternoon.

Everton were by far the worst offenders in this regard with barely a single member of their starting eleven registering beyond a six out of ten. Arsenal fared a little better on the day, but ultimately it was the lack of effort from both sides with neither displaying any kind of evidence of real preparation... no makeup and not a decent hair-do between the lot of them. Natasha Dowie looked as well as could be expected however, considering that she is the niece of Iain Dowie, one of the ugliest men in sport.

As the game wore on, both squads looked to the bench but it remained unclear as to where the talent was going to come from. One saving grace on the day though may have been Arsenal goalkeeper and Irish international Emma Byrne, who despite being 30 mightn't have looked out of place in a more attractive squad.

Everton won the match 3-2 with a last minute extra-time goal from Dowie.


Emma Byrne - "...mightn't have looked out of place in a more attractive squad"

NEWS: Wheelchair Ramp Opening ends in Tragedy.

Timothy Casey was born in a wheelchair... and unfortunately this disability was only compounded by the tragic death of his mother, who was unable to survive her injuries. Having no father, and evidently no luck at all whatsoever, Tim was raised by his alcoholic Portuguese half uncle Pedro, a keeper of bees, in the south Dublin suburb of Dalkey until his arrest and incarceration in 1987. Following three highly publicized but failed appeals, Pedro was finally executed in 1993.

Tim inherited his half uncles business, but with no formal education and a severe allergic reaction to bees, his life ambitions were modest. As a child he dreamt of owning his own Ice Cream Van, a dream that was finally realized on his 21st birthday. He began to make a life for himself by selling fruit flavoured iced lolly treats to swimmers at Dublin's famous Forty Foot on hot sunny days.

For the first time in his bee-stung, wheelchair bound existence... Life was good. Tim worked happily for a number of years in his van... but all the while harboring a secret ambition.

Over countless long hot days slaving over the Mr Whippy Machine, Tim had begun to fantasize about one day joining the swimmers by plunging into the deep cold water of the Irish sea. This dream however remained just that... A dream. The Forty Foot - a series of high rocky outcrops used as a high diving area and surrounded by deep water - has never in its history been wheelchair accessible... that is, until now.

Following an arduous, fifteen year campaign fronted by Mr Casey, Dun Laoghaire / Rathdown County Council finally succumbed to pressure by opening a ramp that would allow wheelchair access to the area as well all of it's famous high diving spots. Fittingly... Timothy Casey, was allowed to be the first perambolically challanged person to dive from The Seagulls Nest - the highest high diving spot... towering an impressive fifteen meters above the water.

Following an emotionally draining opening ceremony Timothy ascended the ramp with thousands of onlookers, looking on. Relishing every moment of his triumph, he punched the air. As a symbolic gesture, Tim had decided to dive wearing his wheelchair - a decision that nobody could have realized at the time would have had such a tragic consequences.

Tim's awkward and dangerous plummet into the freezing waters below was initially greeted with cheers... but after failing to resurface for almost ten minutes, some experts began to speculate that something was amiss... and a short time later, Tim's lifeless corpse was pulled from the murky waters.

Tim will be sorely missed but, as they say, every cloud... and after extensive treatment for Rust... Tim's now empty wheelchair is to be taken over by a young boy who was knocked off his bike by joy riders in an ice cream van shortly after leaving the opening.

He is not expected to fully recover from his injuries, and therefore should get many happy years of usage out of it.

"Frosty Dawn" Volume 1 of the Frosty Dawn Saga (Volume 2 of Phil the Goat's books for Adult Children)

There was once a stupid annoying penguin named Bonnie who was sixteen and in school. She was popular with the other penguins but they were kind of douche-bags and not deep and mature for her age like her so she would try to look like she was isolating herself herself and hide behind her hair and bite her lip and stuff.

One day in science class when this stupid annoying boy penguin name called Edmund sat next to her, bonnie bit her lip becose Edmund would stare at her in a way that would make her flipper quiver, which she thought was super cool.

Edmund started to sniff bonnie, which was strange and made her wonder if she was on her Yammahoolies, but then she remembered that she wasn’t. Anyways Edmund slid off before class was over and bonnie scrunched her face up and bit her lip again. She felt like such a douche-bag, and not cool, but she thought that maybe Edmund had not yet realised how super deep she was and so she bit her lip again.

In a forest during later time which is very difficult because forests are veeerry hard to find in Antarctica… almost impossible. Bonnie was biting her lip and hiding behind her hair be cause she was talking to Edmund in the forest in Antarctica because they had to get away from the other kid penguins who were all douche-bags and not deep like them.

Bonnie had her arms folded and was biting her lip and asking Edmund how come he was so fast and so strong and tings and didn’t look like the other penguins and was always staring at the other penguins like he wanted to eat them especially her... And Edmund said “say it” she was afraid but also excited also as well so she whispered “Leopard Seal…” and then Edmund asked her what leopard seals had for their supper normallys and she whispered “penguins” and he said yes but that he wouldn’t eat her and she got really turned on because she was a PSYCHO.

Bonnie jumped on Edmunds back and he started climbing trees which was AWESOME because they were in nature which is super cool and not like the other kid penguins who were all hanging out at the mall like douche-bags. The sun came out and Bonnie the penguin could see Edmunds shiny leopard seal skin, which was sooo beautiful it made her flipper quiver and so she bit her lip again.

Then Bonnie woke up in her bed and she realised that she was not Bonnie and not a sixteen year old kid penguin and not in school but instead was actually an adult grown up penguin who was twenty six and named Jennifer and working as a receptionist.

She had fallen asleep reading “Frosty Moon” which was the made up book about Bonnie and the leopard seal in the Antarctic forest badly written by an awful writer but which she thought was BRILLIANT because it made her flipper quiver but was actually stupid, annoying and more rubbish than used toilet paper.

Jennifer bit her lip and rang her friend Chloe on her penguin phone. They talked about how they are both liked Edmund the Leopard Seal and how they were both actually really deep thinkers and not like other people who all are mostly douche-bags.

Jennifer said goodbye to her friend then bit her lip and went to sleep but then in the night time a leopard seal broke up through the ice and did NOT have his way with her (which is what she initially thought was happening) but instead he ate her up for his supper.

Which she did not like at all. Not one bit.

OM NOM NOM…



THE END