Off-licences to close at 5pm from Monday

Off-licences across the country will be hit with a 5pm cut off point for selling alcohol from midnight this Sunday.

The new laws detailed in the Intoxicating Liquor Act will allow also allow gardai to confiscate drink from people in their homes in order to crack down on the sale of alcohol outside of pubs and nightclubs.

The Minister for Justice said today: "This Act places further restriction on the availability and visibility of cheap alcohol and provides a more effective method of encouraging people to spent their money in pubs" The Minister went on to explain that publicans many of whom are stalwart supporters of his political party have suffered greatly over the last number of years, loosing business from people preferring to drink at home where they can smoke and save exorborant amounts of money.

William Tippler from Dublins Organised Association of Publicans has welcomed the news stating that this recent success would not have been possible were it not for public apathy in the face of last years restrictions. "We managed to keep it on the QT until the last possible moment but we still expected some kind of reaction." ... "This time we expect most people to find out when they try to pick up a couple of sneaky cans after work on Monday".

Other stipulations in the new act include:

* New powers allowing gardai to enter search peoples homes for cheap booze on weekends and bank holidays.

* The introduction of an off-licence-licence, which will allow access only to well dressed people who intend purchasing expensive wine and gourmet crisps.

* The abolishment of Dutch gold and Buckfast.

* Plans to bring the price of a pint in line with that of a Chinese take-away

* A gagging order on the National Off Licence Association effective immediately.

Onlookers at the unveiling of the new legislation were heard to shrug and say that they suppose it has to be for the best as we've always loads of nackers drinking in the Phoenix Park. Although one man did comment that this is quite possibly the darkest day in this countries long and troubled history.